painful heart

These last few weeks at work have been intense in many ways and have forced me to look at the work I do and to look at the work I want to do.
THere have been moments when I have considered leaving my job. The reasons are too complicated to go into but the results of the process that it created are worth writing about, to me anyway.
I, for the last several weeks have been considering moving on.. but to where. Where can I work where my heart feels filled, where my expertise is utilized?
I have been serving the HIV community since the late 80s, in some capacity. I remember my days on the newly developed SF AIDS foundation hotline when we new very little about this disease. Our information was limited and we spent time just trying to reassure and prevent. Then I lost my best friend, Tim King to AIDS in 1993 and that catapulted me into medicine as I could no longer watch passively. I studies and developed and expertise and a comfort. I made a difference in the lives of those living and dying with and of HIV/AIDS. I know that i made a difference daily and my patient make a difference for me too. I have found the ideal mixture for my career.
So, if I were to eave the setting now.. what would be next.. I have always said that I can't leave HIV until there is a cure and as you know we don't have the cure. We have not even figured out how to slow down the rates of transmission.
My patients are younger and older than they have been. I have several newly infected young gay men under 22 and when I ask why they say that either they really did not think it was going to happen or, they just figured it was going to happen eventually anyway.
Recently I have two new patients that are women close to 50 from Ethiopia. women who are isolated and afraid in this county with a disease they they do not understand.
Both of these women have never had the need for medical care, and probably if they were still in Ethiopia they would not be getting medical care. But here they are and I immediatley move in to "care " for them. To provide them with the best I am sure feels very invasive and overwhelming. One of these ladies was found to have cervical cancer on her first visit with me. She had never had a pelvic exam before. Talk about culture shock..
but at the same time I feel so fortunate to get her into care and so she has the opportunity to be well.
There are so many people that are so wonderful that I get to care for every day that I am not sure how I can leave. Where would I get the gifts I receive daily.
In addition, I have made a commitment to serve these people until the cure...
I feel like this is rambling but its a fair representation of my internal confusion.

I am part of a community, where else would I find that?
I wish you all could know the people that I have the honor of caring for every day. They are young, old, american, african, asian, middle eastern, male, female, straight, gay, right wing, left wing, educated, uneducated, professionals, never employed, incarcerated and free,,,,
how many jobs gives one such an opportunity?

At the end of the day, I am here.. I will do what I can to stay with my folks.
I thank them daily for the gift they are in my life.

So even though I am fortunate to have found a life that makes sense in the world of HIV.. i would be happy to find the cure.. and move forward, but until that time, here I am

sorry if this is not a perfect piece but this is where I am today