at first it is hard and then....

Today, my patient Clyde asked me if I had written on my blog latety. I said no and thenI asked if I could write about him. He said yes and I can even use his name. I have know Clyde for several years. He arrived at the clinic in pretty bad shape, filled with denial and filled with rage. Getting infected with HIV was not part of the plan that he had for himself. He is a good ole boy, a man that was married and in with the "in" crowd in his home town. An EMT or maybe a paramedic.. working his way up in life. He married, way too young, his high school sweetheart.. The marriage lasted a bit but then Clyde discovered another way. The way of "the party" and his life took a turn.. it was really fun initially, sex, drugs, experimentation etc..... Well he made his way to California and ended up getting test for HIV at a Planned Parenthood here. He was going just to support his other friends,, those friends who had been messing around,.. too promiscuous. not him...them. And he did have a rash that needed attention.
He certainly tells his story much better than I and fortunately he does all the time as a message of prevention...
well of as you may have expected he tested positive for HIV. This was so not in the plan.. This sent him reeling even further into the party abyss. more sex without disclosure.
He would show up at the clinic not wanting to be there and angry about being there and not at all ready for help. then he would disappear,, get into more trouble and then return with various medical issues...
All along, even though he was completely frustrating there was always something charming about this man. His southern accent and smile... was sweet even when he was completely not.

One day I remember being in an exam room with Clyde and he was in really bad shape and I figured at this point I had nothing to loose so I laid it on the line. I told him that he was going to die of AIDS if he did not stop this crap. I remember telling him that I cared for him and that it was hurting me to see him like this but that if he was not going to participate in getting well then there was nothing that I could do for him so he may as well stop coming in. I think that is pretty much how the conversation went.
I had impact that day and Clyde thanks me every day.. I think through his whole initial journey no one said that they cared, no one said you will die if you do snap out of it and that when you are ready I will help you.
Something changed. Clyde got well. HE got clean .. he got motivated.. he got healthy.

Now I can tell you that Clyde has managed his HIV, he is managing his heart (the one that beats and the one that feels). AND, he is also a positive speaker in the area. He tells his story to anyone who will listen hoping that he can prevent this virus from infecting another soul. He understands, as I do, that this virus will end only when the transmission stops and not until then.
He has taken his situation and created good from it. He is not afraid to love others, to protect others.
Now he comes in, a robust smiling man that has gotten his life back. H rides a bike, he is in school.. he is beautiful.

He would be the first to tell you that the virus sucks but he is stuck with it and has now chosen to control it rather than it controlling him.. He is one of the reasons I go to work. He will save someones life with his story and his power comes from his words, his heart and his love of self and his love of others. He always thanks me for being in his life.... and I want to thank him for being in mine.
Thank you Clyde. May you live many healthy and happy years with laughter in your life.

And FYI, if you read the previous story about my son, i want ed to let you know that he is well and living the life of a freshman at UC Santa Cruz.